Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Feeling Anxious

Mark will "unofficially" end his career with the Army as of January 29, 2010. I am very nervous for that day.

I am a planner and sometimes that really tends to get in the way. I am scared to death of leaving the Army and not really knowing what the future holds for us.
We have two options at this point (well actually come December, but either way).

He can stay in the Army another 4 years, choose a new job and see where that takes us. (Probably not back to Colorado, just so you CO people know:) In the meantime our family will have to be seperated at least another 6 months as I finish school here in TX next May. There is always the possiblity of deployment, which at this point seems to be the deterring factor. (In case you haven't noticed, we haven't exactly had good luck in that area).

Then there is the option of seeking employment. Saying goodbye to the Army life, no more deployments, our family can finally be together for good.

The choice seems easy, but really, it seemed much easier 15mo ago when it didn't feel like someone had as much chance of winning the lottery then getting and keeping a job. Ok, well maybe not that hard, but really what do I know. I am not currently looking for a job, so I really don't know how hard it is. I just know it is a difficult choice.

I want to stay here, finish school and work here. And in a couple of years build on our land. But then I wonder if that is what is really in the plans. Is this what we are supposed to do?

It seems like this decision is one of the hardest we will have to make. We are at a point where we are DONE with the military. We have delt with enough (3 deployments in 6 years). But I guess this is part of War.

I have been praying for months about this decision. Assuming God would place a big blinking neon sign pointing to the correct direction. Either I am going the wrong way and just haven't seen the sign (and I promise, I am looking), or it just isn't there. I am beginning to think it is the later. But again, what do I know.

I am sure no one else has the answers for us, I am sure everyone want's to see us do what makes us happy, or what is right for our family. That's what I want to.

AAAWWWWWWWWW! Just needed to get that off my chest.

4 comments:

beccaellis said...

Paige,

I am so glad you did get this off your chest.

I know how you are feeling. It is funny to hear a military wife say "I am scared to death to leave the army." -Just shows how tough we are ;-) Deployments and danger for our husbands just doesn't scare us. Haha.

Paige, what I have found in my life so far is that God shows you the next step when it is time for the next step. Not early. Between now and January 29, 2010, Go wants to teach you things. He wants you to seek him constantly. He wants you to get the benefits of clinging to Him for direction. To trust that He will provide for your family --not Mark.

But yes. It's the most frusterating thing ever to feel like you are begging for answers and getting none. Your heart is right, you are living in obediance and... nothing. But the truth is, you are not getting nothing. You are growing. You are reminding yourself again and again that God is faithful.

I really do think that God makes us wait so that we can practice the discipline of trust. Obeying regardless of any tangible benefits.

I am going to start praying for your heart to be at peace. For your continued "battle" with your emotions and doubts and fears. I have been clinging to the fact that God's grace is all I need.

That would definately be the theme to this deployment.

God's grace is all you need.

Keep us posted so we can pray more specifically for you. I'm so glad you shared your heart.

The Shepherd Family said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The Shepherd Family said...

Becca, I will have to admit..I may be a military wife..but a 4th year long deployement scares the heck out of me!
And I know God will give me direction, and I am looking for it. I have no doubt in my heart that where ever it is we end up, God will provide for us. I guess it is just the actual decision that scares me.
I am trying very hard to just let things be and let God work.

Cheryl Hyatt said...

Paige: I totally agree with Becca (and I would love to meet this young woman some day) that He will answer your prayers in His time. Who knows what He has planned for you and Mark and the babies in the next year? Only He does!! For years I prayed first for a wonderful man to take me away on a white horse and I became very depressed when that "wonderful man on a white horse" did not come - in my timing!! Look what happened when "in His time" He sent my awesome Gary!! Almost thirty-three years later and it could not be any better! Then, second, I prayed and prayed for children and had almost given up. "In His time" along came two of the most awesome, wonderful, complete blessings anyone could ever desire--Elizabeth and Lee (and I think you know what I am talking about in regard to them!).

There is a song that goes something like this, "In His time, In His time, He makes all things beautiful in His time." Wait upon the Lord and He will give what He wants you to have. Trust in Him to do what is right for your family.

We love you and are praying daily for you and your beautiful little family!