Saturday, December 27, 2008

Losing my mind

I typically try really hard to make this blog a positive, happy place...but not today.
I am exhausted.
I am glad Christmas is over. It was great. But it really really sucked not having Mark here. I think I cried more that day than I have since he left.
Emma is so attached to me I can barely move sometimes. I love her and I am ecstatic that she wants me and my attention...but constantly?!
Jillian is driving me up the wall. She is throwing fits/tantrums on a hourly basis lately.
Since Emma has been born, I feel like I am more aware of things going on. Emma can not sleep with lots of noise.
Jillian= LOTS of noise.
Not a good combination.
I lay Emma down, Jillian is loud, Emma wakes up, I get mad.
I always said my children will not sleep in my room or with me. Jillian has been sleeping in my room for months. It is easier, yes. But I feel like I can't have one space to myself. I can't go in late at night and do homework or watch tv or fold my 15 loads of laundry currently on my bed. When the tv turns on she thinks it has to be cartoons, or she cries, and then Emma wakes up.
It is a very evil cycle.
I am really hating this deployment.
I am more sad on a daily basis. I have so many people that love me and are here for me. but I am sad. I can't seem to get out of this funk. and my tantrum throwing 3 year old is not helping the matter.
I want this to be over.
Mark should be home for 2 weeks in the next 2 months. I can not wait.
I want to spend lots of family time, but can't decide how it is going to go.
Readjusting is extremely difficult. Nearly as hard as the deployment itself.
I have two weeks to spend every waking moment with the love of my life, except while I am at school, or Jillian is throwing a fit, or Emma is hungry, or something else.
I want him to come home. But I know he has to return 14 days after he gets here. I will get used to him being here. He will want a break from war. Just like I want a break from constant parenting and life without him. Jillian will be thrilled to have him home. Emma will finally have a face to put to the name, "daddy!"
I am extremely overwhelmed right now.
My emotions are all over the place. I am sad. Trying to be happy. Trying to enjoy the moment and my girls being little. Its seems to get harder each day.
I need a vacation.


Kim Harms said...

Oh Paige, this breaks my heart. I so wish I could take the pain away... I hate to see you unhappy, sad. And Im sure Mark wishes he could make this all go away for you as well, hang in there... you are an amazing mother and wife and this will be over soon. Im praying and thinking of you everyday. Praying that Marks deployment is over before you know it and this will all be a faint memory.

Heather said...

I know what you're going through, and I really feel for you. We're not in a deployment, and I really need a vacation from my children, too. From life, really. I'm ready for a break. It's so hard to be "on" all the time, and never really get any down time.

Regarding Jillian, have you ever read the Love and Logic books? There's a really good one for young children - it would probably help for Emma's age too. Maybe there are a few tips in it that could help you better cope with the Trying Threes. I do NOT miss that age - it was by far the toughest with Brenna.

The Shepherd Family said...

No I havent read them, but have heard of it....I think I should invest. I feel like I am to my whit's end with her. Thanks for the advice. I will let you know how it goes.

Denyse said...

Love & Logic is great...but you'll really have to stay on your toes to keep ahead of Jillian. I speak from experience...I believe you've met Hallie.

My heart aches for you. I know how much I miss Joel when he's gone and that's just for a few days at a time and we're in constant contact and he's not in a really dangerous field of work; so, I can't even begin to imagine how difficult it is. I know that when Joel is away, I never feel completely "whole".

I'm praying for Mark's safe return and your peace of mind as well as wisdom in dealing with your precious girls. Love you!

Cheryl Hyatt said...

Paige, you know that we all love you and that we are praying for you constantly. I truly wish we could just blink our eyes and Mark would be home, but I know that is not possible. We will just continue to pray you through these next months and help you with those beautiful, beautiful little girls.